Things That Make Me Lose My Cool

Some people, who know me well, would describe me as chilled. Which I am generally.

These people, however, have clearly never been guilty of any of the following in my presence.

Mwa ha ha ha HAA! Unleash the beast.

1.     Bad Product Design. Things that don’t work the way someone has advertised or otherwise convinced me they are designed to work. And I parted with money, but it’s actually a piece of crap. But you said it would work!! If you’re producing and marketing a product, you know what it needs to do presumably. THEN MAKE SURE IT DOES AND DOES IT WELL! If you only do one thing, you should do that at least. A pair of tweezers I bought recently had been made so that the two ends don’t actually meet. They couldn’t pluck an elephant hair much less a humans. Nappies that don’t hold one wee, cleaning products that don’t clean well. It’s not okay to produce and sell me something just to get my money with no interest shown in my satisfaction or future business. It has to work too! Even if it only cost me ten bucks. Especially irksome when the product in question is designed to alleviate another kind of stress. Like a mosquito repellent I have that doesn’t seem to bother them one bit. And the flies love it too. Great, I have even more irritation now. Thanks a bunch ‘Budgo Mossie Die’.

2.     Bad Planning.  You go to a party and they’re out of drink and munchies in the first hour. Then the party breaks up while the soberest go foraging to the local supermarket/liquor store/off licence for more. If you need me to bring a bottle, tell me. If you need me to bring several crates and a buffet for twenty because you've invited too many people, tell me. Any kind of event in fact that’s been badly organised. You knew you were having a do, you had time to figure out what that would entail surely?! Work meetings just before or after lunch, or at the end of the day. Delayed and overcrowded public transport at regularly busy times. PUT AN EXTRA SERVICE ON!! Restaurants that sell out of several things before I’ve even ordered my dinner. That's like asking me over for dinner and then when I arrive, opening your fridge with a nonchalant "not sure I've got much in..". Traffic congestion because some idiot decided to close a road/do some essential robot (traffic light) maintenance in the middle of rush hour. I could go on ...

You Don't Like Me?
3.     Celine Dion. It’s irrational. I can’t explain why, she just really friggin’ annoys me. A combination of many things perhaps. Mariah Carey almost made my list for the same inexplicable reasons.

4.     Children Without Ears. I know they’re just children. I know it’s just a phase. But I can’t help it, it’s frustrating beyond belief. “WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME, ANSWER ME!!” is probably heard by my neighbours several hundred times a day. My four year old could be sat next to me and he won’t answer until the fifth or sixth call of his name. Then he’ll look at me all innocently with a teenage toned “what?”.

5.     Apathy. People who don’t care, when they really, really, really should. There are many things I couldn’t give a flying monkey about, so who am I to determine when someone else should care right? But come on people, there’s a time for chilled easy going and there’s a time for action. Care about yourself. Care enough about your loved ones to keep your relationships good. Grudges and feuds with someone you love = can’t be arsed to say sorry or sort it out. Care that your kids are hungry/dirty/ill/climbing out a fifth floor window while you watch TV/surf the net/eat a burger/smoke a faaag. Care that the local government are applying to build another mall on the patch of open grassland and trees you used to play on as a kid and/or your kids play on now. Care that you just saw someone being mugged. Enough at least to make that emergency call. Or shout out for more help. Care enough to get IN-FRIGGIN-VOLVED in some part of your life! Jeez.

6.     Noise at Sleepy Time. Okay, I know not all of us sleep as much as others nor at the same times of day or night but for the most part there is, to me, a time of night when noise in the neighbourhood needs to drop down to lowest decibels until a respectable time of the morning. Let’s say from about 11p.m. to 7 a.m. we should all strive to be quiet please. I asked nicely. Partys are great. No, really. But late at night, they need to move inside. Turn the volume down. Oddly, my tolerance levels seem to vary depending on whether I’ve been invited or not .. And for those unfortunate sounds that you feel you can’t control I’ve news for you. You CAN control them if you give a toss that your neighbourhood is trying to sleep. I don’t care if you’re not dressed/watching your fav TV show/eating dinner/having nookie/sleeping yourself, if your car alarm goes off late at night or early morning turn it off IMMEDIATELY. If your dog starts barking for no good reason, stick your head out the window and tell it to stop. And if you’re pulling up to or leaving your home in your car, DON’T run the engine for any longer than you need to and if you’re picking someone up, don’t you DARE honk your horn. You may just meet the wrath that is an overtired 40yr old woman you just woke up. And I’m severely pissed off. I may not take the time to get dressed. You should drive away or run inside your house ve..ry quickly.

7.     Prejudice. Ya, it’s a big one but nonetheless (is that really one word?!) nothing gets my hackles up more. Snobbery, racism, sexism, any kind of ism. In fact any kind of “I’m better than that fella over there” behaviour and I’m fighting you buddy. You better believe it.

8.     Grumpy Service. I’ll sum it up with one tip to all service industry employees. Whether you’re a waitress or waiter/cashier/bus or taxi driver/hair dresser/receptionist/beautician/bar person/doctor - whatever you choose to do for a living that involves spending a little time in other peoples social lives all day then CHEER. THE. F. UP!! If you can’t raise a smile, respond to my cheery “hello” or otherwise not put a damper on my day in some way with your manner and mood, then you’re in the wrong job. Really you should think about a new career. And if you’re just having a bad day, I’m sorry for you ... but hide it or go home please.

9.     Unfairness. Can cover so many situations it’s hard to explain or choose an example but in Super Hero style, if I see something unjust I just have to act. Or comment, in a loud voice. When it’s got absolutely nothing to do with me probably.

10. Ignorance. We have education, journalism,  internet, TV, radio, books. Unless you’re extremely impoverished, living in a cave in the Himalayas or your brain can’t physically retain information properly then there’s no excuse for knowing bugger all. Go get some informed opinions if you please.

11. Ve..ry Slooow on the Uptake. I’ve explained something like, twenty times, as simply and as clearly as I can. Still not got it, then I‘m getting really annoyed. The sarcasm kicks in too and I don’t like myself when I get like this at all. Don’t suffer fools gladly is an expression that would seem to fit but I could never be a teacher. Can you imagine? Poor kids. I have two of my own, bless them. And it works both ways this one. Nothing irks me more about myself than when I 'mis' something in a moment of dumbness. Misunderstand, misinterpret, mistake, misact, misadvise, have a misadventure. Okay, stopping now.

12. Bad Manners. Parents and schools should receive fines for not teaching good manners. There's never an excuse for rude. Anger yes, but never rude. NEVER.

13. Fakery. I know the truth, I can see this person clearly for what they are and I may even like the real them. But they have no idea that they’re so transparent and they’re intent on pretending they’re something they’re not. WTF? What’s the point of me wasting one more second of my time in your company or on our relationship if you’re not actually you? I’m going now. You’re scary.

14. Mosquitoes. AAAAHHH! What is their point exactly? They suck our blood to help them breed and make many, many more mosquitoes. They've been around for around 30 million years and nobody's managed to wipe them out in all that time. Frankly, I'm disappointed. They have so many sensors to help them find you and your blood, they're designed more like a millitary aircraft than an insect. The males live for up to ten days and they don't want your blood. It's the pesky females, they need the protein to lay eggs and they live for to 100 days. Joy. They love me. I hate them with frightening force. They are, if it's an achievement, the only animal to make it onto my list.