Hubby knows and understands. But I feel the need to talk about it more than I think he feels the need to hear about it (!!) so I'm blogging this out to you because sometimes I just need to shout out.
"I WANT A GIRL!!!"
I was 37 when I had Tallen, now four, and I had Nate, almost two, when I was 39. For one of those inexplicable reasons, I figured somewhere between the two pregnancys odds would be that I'd end up with a son and a daughter.
Why would I think that?
I was so convinced, in fact, that my second pregnancy was a girl that Hubby and I chose a girls name (Macy) and I listened eagerly to all those pregnancy commentators amongst my friends and family who told me "it's a girl this time, I can tell". It wasn't helped by the fact that Hubby and I decided this time to say 'no' whenever we were asked if we wanted to know the sex, and I went through the entire pregnancy quietly convinced that it was different to my first. I felt different, the bump was different. It HAD to be a girl.
And then along came little Natey Noodle, number two son and very definitely not a girl.
It should go without saying (I'll say it anyway) but I love my two sons with more love than I ever knew I was capable of and I felt nothing but ridiculous levels of happiness when each of them were born. Okay, and sore and knackered too.
Doesn't stop me wishing I had a little girl too though.
Problem is, I'm now 41 - at that age when high blood pressure and higher risk of birth defects becomes something your Midwife or Doctor will need to discuss with you. I wonder if I could actually go through it all again, much as I want, with the higher risks that might be involved.
We're also at a time in our lives when we're growing our small business and renovating our home. Cashflow is, at times, very tight. Hubby and I have talked about next year, or the year after. When we're more financially stable. And I know money, or lack of it, shouldn't be a factor when having children but truth is, it is a factor. Especially once you get on to a third. Or a fourth. Damn those school fees!
"But then, so's your age a factor" that little voice inside my head says "and the clock is ticking".
I could, of course, also give birth to a third son instead. I can't shop for a daughter so there's no way of knowing.
But can I just imagine, for a few minutes, that I could know.
Bizarrely, pink is the first thing that springs to mind when I think of having a little girl. And I mean the colour, not the singer. Who knew I was so indoctrinated in the whole 'pink for a girl, blue for a boy' crap!
Having said it's crap, I do imagine some level of pinkdom and girlyness in my house, currently devoid of such, if a little girl were to live there. Even though I also imagine giving her a short, cute pixie haircut and letting her climb trees with the boys at the same time as imagining ribbons and bows. Clearly, I'm a bit confused!
|AAH! Too ... much ... pink. Can't ... breathe ...|