I Wanna Girl!!

http://www.thesimpsons.com/

I can't help it.

Hubby knows and understands. But I feel the need to talk about it more than I think he feels the need to hear about it (!!) so I'm blogging this out to you because sometimes I just need to shout out.

"I WANT A GIRL!!!"

Ahem.

I was 37 when I had Tallen, now four, and I had Nate, almost two, when I was 39. For one of those inexplicable reasons, I figured somewhere between the two pregnancys odds would be that I'd end up with a son and a daughter.

Why would I think that?

I was so convinced, in fact, that my second pregnancy was a girl that Hubby and I chose a girls name (Macy) and I listened eagerly to all those pregnancy commentators amongst my friends and family who told me "it's a girl this time, I can tell". It wasn't helped by the fact that Hubby and I decided this time to say 'no' whenever we were asked if we wanted to know the sex, and I went through the entire pregnancy quietly convinced that it was different to my first. I felt different, the bump was different. It HAD to be a girl.

And then along came little Natey Noodle, number two son and very definitely not a girl.

It should go without saying (I'll say it anyway) but I love my two sons with more love than I ever knew I was capable of and I felt nothing but ridiculous levels of happiness when each of them were born. Okay, and sore and knackered too.

Doesn't stop me wishing I had a little girl too though.

Problem is, I'm now 41 - at that age when high blood pressure and higher risk of birth defects becomes something your Midwife or Doctor will need to discuss with you. I wonder if I could actually go through it all again, much as I want, with the higher risks that might be involved.

We're also at a time in our lives when we're growing our small business and renovating our home. Cashflow is, at times, very tight. Hubby and I have talked about next year, or the year after. When we're more financially stable. And I know money, or lack of it, shouldn't be a factor when having children but truth is, it is a factor. Especially once you get on to a third. Or a fourth. Damn those school fees!

"But then, so's your age a factor" that little voice inside my head says "and the clock is ticking".

I could, of course, also give birth to a third son instead. I can't shop for a daughter so there's no way of knowing.

But can I just imagine, for a few minutes, that I could know.

Bizarrely, pink is the first thing that springs to mind when I think of having a little girl. And I mean the colour, not the singer. Who knew I was so indoctrinated in the whole 'pink for a girl, blue for a boy' crap!

Having said it's crap, I do imagine some level of pinkdom and girlyness in my house, currently devoid of such, if a little girl were to live there. Even though I also imagine giving her a short, cute pixie haircut and letting her climb trees with the boys at the same time as imagining ribbons and bows. Clearly, I'm a bit confused!

AAH! Too ... much ... pink. Can't ... breathe ...

Not too much pinkdom. You Mum's who go pink crazy with your little girls, you know who you are. But just to have a hint of pink, some girly stuff, dolls and dresses, sparkles and glitter, make up and hair bits.

Choosing Dora the Explorer over Bob the Builder, Powerpuff Girls over Spiderman, flowers over skulls and dinosaurs. *sigh*. There's just too much Testosterone in my house at times.

And I imagine the future too, raising a teenage daughter. Advising on the girly stuff and revealing the secrets of womanhood (my sistas). Passing on beauty tips, wiping the tears, hearing about boys and sharing books, movies, music, views, clothes, perfume.

I want to teach her to be strong and street wise. To love herself and her body and to be smart enough to avoid the pitfalls a young woman can find herself coming across in life. To be sexy and confident enough to own that sexuality and never feel she has to flaunt it or give it up freely.

Most importantly, I want her to realise her own worth. To have value in herself, not just her looks, and to enter the world knowing she has the power, the beauty, the intelligence and the courage to be or do anything she chooses.

Ah me. I have this all planned.

One consolation, although geographically far away in the UK, I have two very beautiful little nieces. Seemingly in an attempt by nature to address the sex balance in our family, my younger brother and his wife have two girls. If they were closer, I would be a true doting Aunt and I'd take all my pink urges and girly outings out on them quite happily.

As it is, I'm left with my sensible head "you still have time, be daft to get pregnant again now" and that other little, slightly whiny voice that comes from my heart "but I wanna girrrrrl!".

Oh shush you, I'm enjoying my boys. I have a different view in raising them, a different influence. And besides, sometimes it is lovely to be the only lady in a house of boys, they spoil me so.

If that little whiny voice inside my head continues, watch out my sons. You may find yourselves being dressed in pink and wearing a Dora backpack to school sometime soon.